Motherhood

Motherhood. I'm not sure any other word, other than the name of God, evokes so many contradictory feelings. Fear. Love. Excitement. Anticipation. Happiness. Anxiety. For a new mom, it can be overwhelming. At 9 months old, my son isn't going through a rebellious period. He is not openly defiant. Yet, I still have this feeling that everything I do or don't do will cause him to one day appear on the Dr. Phil show explaining that it all began with mom. It's easy to take upon myself all the blame and guilt and yet none of the successes. As if he stumbled onto knowing these things. Your friends never tell you that even with a full nights sleep, your dreams will be plagued with scenarios about walking, school, friends, a future spouse, and the list goes on.

This is a roller coaster and we are just starting out. There are downs, but most often there are wonderful peaks. Something as simple as the sweet first morning smile. The laugh that comes after a funny face is made. The pride on his face as he pulls himself up to a standing position for the first time. These are the moments I live for. Where I see a glimpse of God every time. And blessedly, I get them almost constantly.

I don't think you ever really learn to pray continuously until you have a child - at least I didn't. It's everything from, "please, God, let him sleep tonight." To, "please let him know you as his saviour from a young age." I am already praying for what path he is to follow, who he will marry, and the kind of father he will be. If his children are lucky, he will be the kind of father his father is. A dad who delights in playing with a plastic block and watching him crawl across the floor. Who lights up at the sound of "da da." I am blessed, so is our son.

It's amazing how much motherhood is exactly like you think it is. It's also amazing how it's nothing like you thought it would be. It is an enigma. But somewhere between diaper changes, chicken dinners, and cleaning toilets, this mom has found a slice of paradise - it is in realizing the Father's love for me through loving my husband and son, and their loving me. And that is amazingly what motherhood is all about.