Definitions

Bliss. Webster's defines bliss as "supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment." Television tells us that this feeling is when we where white linen dresses and go running through a meadow toward some handsome man on a horse. Please! Some commercials suggest it is our wedding day if we wear the right perfume. Yes and no. I was blissful on my wedding day. It was such utter joy to be so completely in love with my best friend. It had nothing to do with my perfume. As a mom I have discovered that bliss comes in less likely situations. For instance, this morning I was dancing with Jonah to Beethoven. Something about waltzing with my baby boy that brings supreme happiness. Later, as I was snuggling with him before a nap, I again felt bliss. I also felt what Webster's defines as, "expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness" - I was feeling pensive. How long would I be able to hold him in my arms? How long would he allow me to rock him to sleep? How long will I be able to steal a kiss anytime I want to? I've heard it said that being a mother is like watching your heart walk around outside your body. I am beginning to understand that now. In an instant I think of all the ways I have to let go. While they are exciting, they can also be sad. Thankfully, God works it so that I only have to let go a little at a time.

If you go forward in my day, I also get to another emotion that all mothers feel whether we want to admit it or not - frustration (a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems). That definition is putting it mildly. Only a few moments from my bliss which was followed by my pensiveness, then by, you guessed it, frustration, because as I lay that sweet angel down for a nap, up popped his head! He had no intention of napping! Yes, I was dissatisfied and it was accompanied by my feeling of anxiety. I had laundry to do and dinner to prepare, plus I needed to jog! There were definitely some unmet needs. Luckily, after the head popped up, I laid it back down and rubbed his back. That helped him drift off. I did get all those things done, but as I was jogging I thought, is the laundry really all that important? While I am lamenting how long I will be able to rock my baby, I know I will always have laundry to do and dinner to prepare. Don't misunderstand, I think too often today we as mothers use our children to get out of housework. We rationalize and say, "if little johnny wants to play GI Joe with me, how can I do the dishes instead?" We are doing a disservice to our children by always choosing play over work. For one, we are not teaching our children to take care of what they have. We are also teaching them that it is ok to opt out of something that is a responsibility as long as there is something more fun to do. I am talking about balance. No, you do not have to have a sparkly house from roof to floor. But, you should have a straight house that can be seen by the outside world. No, we do not need to always opt for the chore over the child either. How many more moments will we have?

It is always a balance game. I want to cherish every moment and take every opportunity to give Jonah love. When I look in his face I see a love that only a baby can have. Pure. He doesn't care that I do it all perfectly. He just wants to know that I love him and will kiss away any boo-boo. Balance. Maybe that is the definition I need most.

Motherhood

Motherhood. I'm not sure any other word, other than the name of God, evokes so many contradictory feelings. Fear. Love. Excitement. Anticipation. Happiness. Anxiety. For a new mom, it can be overwhelming. At 9 months old, my son isn't going through a rebellious period. He is not openly defiant. Yet, I still have this feeling that everything I do or don't do will cause him to one day appear on the Dr. Phil show explaining that it all began with mom. It's easy to take upon myself all the blame and guilt and yet none of the successes. As if he stumbled onto knowing these things. Your friends never tell you that even with a full nights sleep, your dreams will be plagued with scenarios about walking, school, friends, a future spouse, and the list goes on.

This is a roller coaster and we are just starting out. There are downs, but most often there are wonderful peaks. Something as simple as the sweet first morning smile. The laugh that comes after a funny face is made. The pride on his face as he pulls himself up to a standing position for the first time. These are the moments I live for. Where I see a glimpse of God every time. And blessedly, I get them almost constantly.

I don't think you ever really learn to pray continuously until you have a child - at least I didn't. It's everything from, "please, God, let him sleep tonight." To, "please let him know you as his saviour from a young age." I am already praying for what path he is to follow, who he will marry, and the kind of father he will be. If his children are lucky, he will be the kind of father his father is. A dad who delights in playing with a plastic block and watching him crawl across the floor. Who lights up at the sound of "da da." I am blessed, so is our son.

It's amazing how much motherhood is exactly like you think it is. It's also amazing how it's nothing like you thought it would be. It is an enigma. But somewhere between diaper changes, chicken dinners, and cleaning toilets, this mom has found a slice of paradise - it is in realizing the Father's love for me through loving my husband and son, and their loving me. And that is amazingly what motherhood is all about.